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World of Warcraft is full of people out to make your day an unhappy one. Whether you just want to do quests and professions, or kill people who are doing quests and professions, there is always someone out to stop you..
NO MORE! Here is the General rule a flower needs to live by:
- Anyone out to make someone or something unhappy must be stopped in any way possible.
Some seedlings have had trouble applying this rule to real virtual life, so I will give an example. Lets say somebody is camping the monster you want to kill. How unhappy they must be, sitting there for over 20 seconds trying to kill a monster!
- You are a happy flower and if he's taking your spot, he's making the world (aka you) unhappy. Set things right by hitting the monster first so you get the experience, relieving them of their horrible wait and hopefully making them happier. If they complain be sure to point out how unhappy they are!
- You are the #1 PvP'er on the server.
- During any PvP encounter you must take screenshots of each kill, edit out anything that might damage your reputation, and post them to every messageboard you can find (Warcraft related messageboards or not, it doesn't matter. Everyone must know you are the #1 PvPr.)
- Any PvP related death is NOT your fault. If a player manages to kill you, it's your job to play it down as a cheap shot, or to accuse your killer of cheating. Those damn cheating, cheap shot pansies!
- Be sure to tell the GMs about any cheaters (e.g. people that killed you). See above.
- If someone says or does something to make you angry behind the anonymity of their character, you are allowed to use one of these four comebacks to make yourself feel better:
- "u r a gay faggot"
- "ur probably a nerd wiht reel thick glasses and get beat up at sckool"
- "ur just sum kid with a computer and you need attention."
- "u r just a n00bie and play with no honor!
To be a good Flower you must know the basics of PvP conduct. Myndpyre attempted to do this back in Everquest (It's like World of Warcraft but for old people) with the infamous "PvP Rules" that still get posted on every PvP related messageboard.
Here is the flower version which is much more accurate even in World of Warcraft. Hope you enjoy it, YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOT! WE OWN YOU!
PvP 101 The Basics: Attitude
For those just starting on a PvP Server
Lesson 1: I came here to annoy people
Repeat after me, 'I came here to annoy people'
If you are not here to kill and harass other players until they cancel their account, take your blubie ass to Friendly Ro, Mithaniel Campsalot, Happy Thule, or better yet just move to Bostwana, because they don't have Everquest there and most have never even seen a video game. You can live the rest of your life without anyone calling you a 'gay homo fag', so you can build up your self esteem enough to get a girlfriend. As every Everquest player knows, having a girlfriend is the most important RL quality you can possess, so if you have one be sure to mention her as much as possible over /guildchat and during smacktalk.
Lesson 2: Somebody called me gay. How did they know about my experience at summer camp? I was pre-pubescent and just experimenting, so it doesn't really count, right?
You are an insignificant WORM. Everquest is not for WORMS, it's for MEN. In fact I don't think any video games have yet been made for worms, not even WORMS. So plan on people talking shit, plan on having your sexuality questioned, plan on seeing the word 'The' misspelled.
When people talk shit, are you just going to listen and go back to gaining XP? No, you miserable shell of fossilized worm feces, that would be playing the game the wrong way. Remember, WORM, you did not come here to slay dragons, you came here to DESTROY the self confidence of others. The sooner you get it through your bluebie head that you are an ANIMAL and REALIZE that this is what you wanted to be, the more MENACING you will become. You are not a gawky teenager playing Everquest, you are a FIERCE AND SCARY beast! You're a MAN! RAWWWRRRR!
If somebody calls you a homosexual and claims to have had sex with your mother for a modest amount of money, stand up for yourself and tell them that they are, in fact, the true homosexual, and that the claims of your mother exchanging sex for money were a thinly veiled attempt at covering up the fact that their mother is a prostitute.
Lesson 3: You just got PK'ed, what now?
Aweee, did Mister Meanie come gank you and take your spawn? Do you want a tissue? Super soft or regular strength? With or without aloe? What's the difference? It doesn't matter. Nobody cares about you, WORM. That spawn now belongs to Mister Meanie, because he is better than you. Nobody cares that you died. Want to cry? Go ahead, maggot, nobody will listen except to laugh. Just like when Dad laughed at you when you said you wanted a My Little Pony playhouse for your 11th birthday, and nobody cared about what you really wanted, and mom said 'Tony I don't want you to be so different' and
I sai you said 'mom I just want the ponies because they're cool and I like horses!'
'My final answer is no Tony, your father agrees with me'
'That's right son, I don't want no boy of mine playing with pink horses'
'but all my friends like horses and Julie said'
'ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GIRLS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAN'T YOU GO PLAY BASEBALL OR SOMETHING NORMAL? QUIT CRYING!'
'Oh Dan you've really hurt his feelings'
'GET YOUR PANSY ASS TO YOUR ROOM! I can't stand to watch you cry.'
Lesson 4: You are at the bottom of the food chain
Welcome to Zek, Mister Worm. You will eat dirt and like it. As an insignificant worm, you are supposed to like dirt. After all, you gather your life-giving nutrients from organic material in the dirt, which makes bacteria grow in your intestines. As the dirt passes through your body, the bacteria in your stomach is added to the soil. Plants can then grow bigger and stronger with the bacteria-rich soil, and animals who eat the plants will be more healthy, and animals who eat the animals that eat plants will get more food, and so on. We would like to thank you, Mister Worm, for building the foundation of our wonderful world! But remember, as a worm, you are on the bottom of the food chain. We could crush you at any time we want, and while that will only weaken the foundation of our world and eventually lead to our demise, we don't have the foresight to realize this.
You may ask, who are 'We'? We are the first generation players of the Zek servers who run this place. We have eight times the amount of /played time that you do. Our guild sold enough plat on playerauctions to purchase each member a toilet-chair. Think of this as a jail cell, and we run the block. Or better yet, imagine it as a high-school, and we're the bullies. Except instead of hanging out in the weight room, we hang out in the A/V room.
And if we can't kill you because you're out of range, hiding, on the same team, or whatever? We're the Gods of this server, it doesn't matter. We can stare at you menacingly. We can say really mean things. Just remember, you EARN the right to breathe, and eat something else besides dirt. You EARN this right by being tougher then the people who are telling you that you don't have this right. You EARN your respect, and your reputation. You EARN the right to stop being a worm, and start being a rat.
When you actually move up from Worm to Rat, you own the worms. Just be careful, because some worms have cats as friends who like to eat Rats who get too big for their ability to produce death. If this happens, I suggest making some dog friends. Or better yet, a monkey/dog/machine gun hybrid friend that could kill dogs, cats, rats and worms with its semi-automatic laser beam arms. That would be awesome.
Lesson 5: The man's game
So you're mad that somebody killed you when you were low on health? You've obviously learned nothing, worm. Go back and read lesson 2.
PvP servers are not for pansies. It takes a strong MAN to play this game, and in no way is it for pansies. Did you hear that dad? I'm playing a tough man's game! I don't need girl toys! I'M NOT A PANSY DAD, I'M TOUGH!
PvP 102: Honor and Respect During Cyber Sex
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