FOH PRESENTS: HOW TO BE A MMORPG SNOB (Or, How to be Uber).
Don’t know what zones are the hardest? What gear is the leetest? What mobs are on pharm status? Or what sekrits are old noows? Chillax bra, FoH has got it covered with this très chic guide to snobbery. If you were the guy who always got his Ancient Cyclops KS’d, never made it to officer status, never got any respect around the water cooler, played a night elf hunter, or perhaps you are one of the few losers still online who can’t afford to drive a Ferrari and who can’t bench press 500 pounds, then this is the guide for you. By the conclusion of this article, your bench will have increased by at least 100 pounds, you will have attended Princeton and then Harvard Law, you will be secretly employed by a secret branch of the shadow British Government as a merciless yet very sophisticated soldier of fortune (sup Lugoj), you will have slept with no less than 400 women (even if you are a female), and you will still have time to "pwn" EverQuest, EverQuest II, and World of Warcraft from high up in the air on your uber-private jet. In addition, you will know the stats on every weapon, armor, and piece of jewelry in every game, which will bestow upon you the very important power to disparage people with lesser knowledge of the Internet games that you play seriously. And this brings us to the first lesson of MMORPG Snobbery. Watch and learn:
“anyone know the stats on dags? I think its better than veeshdras but im not sure”
“NO VEESHDRA’S SWORD OF THE 4TH DAWN IS +255 HP, +200 MANA, +25 STA, +30 *ALL* RESISTANCE, 44/12, 1HS, AND IS ACTUALLY EQUIPABLE BY ALL CLASSES, AND IS THUS FAR SUPERIOR TO DAGOLAN’S TRIDENT WHICH IS ONLY USED BY NEWBS WHO CAN’T GET PAST THE 1ST ENCOUNTER OF THE HORRIBLE EXCUSE THAT IS KNOW AS THE PREVIOUS EXPANSION. OMG U PROLLY STILL USE NEEBIL’S FORLORN CROWN FOR YOUR HEAD SLOT AND STILL HAVE TO RELY ON 12 ROGUES AS YOUR MAIN SOURCE OF DPS TO SLAY FROK MO’LATT, THE FROZEN QUEEN, INSTEAD OF 2 ICE WIZARDS AND ONE HYBRID DEFENSE-OFFENSE WARRIOR. NEVER EVER TALK AGAIN IN MY PRESENCE U LSR.”
“P.S. HAVE FUN TRYING TO GET PAST BARNELBE THE COARSAR OF LOATHING U FAGGOT. HIS PIRATE CREW WILL kissING **OWN** U AND UR NEWB FRIENDS. GET READY TO BE AAAARRRRRRSE-RAPED AND DON’T FORGET TO SCRUB THE DECKS U PIECE OF SHIT. hohoho GRATS U ON ALWAYS BEING 2ND PLACE AND NEVER FINISHING AN EXPANSION W/O SPOILERS.”
Ouch. Now that is some hardcore snobbery. You can guarantee that he is the “coolest” and most educated person not only on the Internet, but also in the real world. You want to be like this guy, you want his uber life style. You’re thinking, “yea he’s real cool and smart, I think I can be that cool and intelligent if I try. I bet he even wins lots of very important and meaningful debates about class balance and risk v. reward on message boards.” You would be right, except only plebian LOSERS use the word “cool.” This guy is “core.” “Core” is a very snobby word; in snobbery it kinda means “badass dude not to be trifled with” but so much more! Say it in real life at parties or around the office to let the other “core” people know that you too are “core.” Go ahead, try it! Your popularity will increase ten fold. All the hotchicks will talk to you because you're so core. A promotion is almost guaranteed regardless of what "industry" you work in.
Second lesson in snobbery: MMORPGs require SKILL, not absurd amounts of time.
Don’t let anyone tell you that Michael Jordan was more important and more skilled than you simply because he played the “sport” basketball (haha basketball! That sport is for wussies). Well you play MMORPGS, and they are for REAL MEN. After all, Michael Jordan just shot thousands of shots a day, lifted weights six days a week, dieted, got up early for practice, jogged, and ran sprints. You click your mouse at least 2,000 times a day in an air conditioned home, watch satellite TV, don’t sleep for days at a time, eat a strict diet of /pizza and mountain dew, and sometimes walk to the refrigerator for a snack. There is no comparison, you own Michael Jordan.
And if anyone asks, yes, you DID dunk on him that one time you were visiting Chicago under the cover of an entrepreneur interested in buying the Bulls for a paltry 700 mill when you were actually hunting Osama Bin Laden for the United States back in 1995. You ALMOST had Bin Laden but you had to let him escape this time, because he was simply too easy to catch and you like to live dangerously and enjoy a challenge. You also knew about 9/11 in advance, but no one at the Pentagon would listen to you, those unenlightened baboons. Oh well, you want to try your new government issued, specially modified magnum with gamma sites, neuron neutralizer beams, DNA double helix transmodifiers, and a diaphragm recycler. Just don’t hit the DNA double helix transmodifier when you are trying to recycle a diaphragm, otherwise you will turn it into something horrible like Glip the Gnome (hohoho like whr r ur pants d00d?).
You work hard for your Internet-based-game items. There is nothing like the rush you get from the experience of seeing a halcyon lion with 6 white elephant heads and four thick, immortal arms glide through the air on the back of a silver dolphin wrapped in pale fire, and swing a giant, jagged, glimmering sword engraved with blue runes at your head while uttering arcane curses, drinking dwarven ale, nursing the antichrist from one of its twelve pig teats, and drawing phosphorescent Chinese glyphs on the Four Great Winds of Eternity. And that’s just from the 12 nights of sleep deprivation! Imagine the rush you will get once you actually see the monster you are sitting around waiting to kill!!
But lack of sleep is the sacrifice that is demanded for grandeur. Caesar must have felt this same rush, and Pompey, and Hannibal, and Napoleon, and Patton, and now you feel it too—from the comfort of your couch. So don’t let any of the hoi polloi tell you that you aren’t in the same league as those great generals. Truth be told, you are actually greater. War was so much easier back in those days, and their simple tactics and plans for storming the beach of Normandy, laying siege to Antioch, and conquering the world and the high seas didn’t require as much forethought and management as say, an Onyxia or Avatar of War raid. Indeed, what you are doing is more important.
Third Lesson in snobbery: DON’T REVEAL SEKRITS.
There is a very obscure saying that sits like a beautiful rose in the most secret gardens of Happiness, that is a thousand times more beautiful than the goatc.x bunghole, and a thousand times more nourishing than the sweet nectar of Fanguard discussion forums, and that saying is, “knowledge is power.” Do you think people play these games for fun? Do you think games are some sort of joke where you can just log on every now and then to enjoy an hour or two of leisure? You loser! Don’t you have any goals in life??
You can’t let everyone in the world know what channel you have your officers talking in, or what they are saying during a chat-session in an online game. That stuff is confidential, and might cost you BIG TIME if it gets out. If people could see 2 or 6 lines of your “core” officer chat, they would be all over CNN, FOX, NBC, ABC, and CBS within MINUTES. But not on Al Gore’s stupid network. World Leaders (ie, lamers) would immediately call a press conference for damage control and lesser celebrities—the unfortunate rabble not brilliant or successful enough to be online gamers—would host a telethon to raise funds to do battle with your incredibly powerful band of Internet Recluses.
Fourth Lesson in Snobbery: Killshots and Videos.
When you complete the very difficult task of killing a scripted monster that is intentionally designed to be defeated, in order to be hip and trendy and snobby you will need to shout in all caps “W00T” [acceptable derivatives: wewt, woot] or “HELL YES” or “PWND LOL” or “FINALLY ALL THAT HARD WORK PAID OFF.” Its ok, you can blur it out of the screenshots later.
And that’s how you too can be and uber snob, and walk around feeling very important because you dedicated your life to online gaming, not some insignificant cause like finding the cure to cancer, starting up the next fortune 500 company, writing the next literary accomplishment to match the Divina Comedia, or becoming the next President of the United States. That shits for losers! Now go tell some people they sux.